Effective Communication: Seeking to Understand and Listening for Empathy

I had the opportunity to present about coaching for equity at a P-12 educational conference a few weeks ago. As part of the conversational exchange between participants, we discussed the importance of practicing effective communication in all our conversations; a topic that I decided to share for my Monday Morning Message.

Three elements of effective communication involve how the sender and receiver process feelings, data, and credibility within a discussion. The speaker/sender must recognize that the receiver processes shared information through their feelings and past experiences before considering data that supports the speaker’s statements. This is where trust within the relationship becomes a factor. Previous negative experiences with the communicator or someone similar can limit the receiver's trust in the person and the information shared.

I experienced an example of this a few years ago when an employee of color said that she would never trust me because I am a white woman. I felt horrified and immediately wanted to defend myself, actions which would have simply reinforced a position of power and privilege. Instead, I knew I needed to acknowledge her concerns and actively listen without ever expecting her to trust me in return. I knew I needed to take responsibility to authentically demonstrate respect with consistency, transparency, and integrity. 

I have learned to ask myself, “Am I entering the communication seeking to understand, even if I don’t want to hear what the other person is saying?” When I find myself not listening to what someone is saying, I must reflect on what bias, assumption, or personal fear is being triggered. Humans can sometimes enter a conversation seeking affirmation for their beliefs; even to the point we can make ourselves right (Knight, 2016). We might adopt a “clever” story; a story that supports a stereotype or assumption without ever taking the time to find out the truth. Whereas, when we, as the communicator, take an invitational stance, we can share knowledge and decisions that enable “all individuals involved to contribute to and learn from the interaction” (Foss & Foss, 2003, p, 11).

I also ask myself, “Am I being fully present during the conversation?” Being fully present in a conversation means I am not thinking about what I need to get done after the meeting ends, or what I am going to say next – which can indicate feeling superior in that what I have to say is more important. If I share a thought or idea and then ask a question that hands the conversation back to the partner, it becomes a more active exchange of ideas.

Listening with empathy is the meaningful way to understand someone else’s perspective. Listening with empathy does not mean I need to have the answers; it means I consciously and compassionately hold space for another human being to feel with them; not for them. Empathy can create positive change by challenging our assumptions of others; by making the time to recognize and value others’ viewpoints. Brown (2018) reminds us that we can only get a full picture of the world, who we serve, what they need, and how to successfully meet people where they are when we include, respect, and value diverse perspectives (p. 144).

[This piece was originally published as my contribution to a weekly Monday Morning Message  for the School of Education and Human Development doctoral studies community at the University of Colorado Denver on Monday, July 2021.]

References:

-Aguilar, A. (2020). Coaching for equity: Conversations that change practice. Jossey-Bass.

-Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead. Random House.

-Foss, S. K. & Foss, K. A. (2003). Inviting transformation: Presentational speaking for a change world (2^ndedition). Waveland Press.

-Knight, J. (2016). Better conversations: Coaching ourselves and each other to be more credible, caring and connected. Corwin.